Ok so it has been about 2 years since my grandma has passed and about 1 year since grandpa and I have only been to church once since...........................
I know that is BAD of me!! Really bad!! For some reason I can go to the house and be ok but I could NOT go to church!!! It just reminded ME SO MUCH of them! Yes, I know the house should but there really is nothing there any more so I am ok with going there but church...........now that is my grandma and grandpa! They were there EVERY Sunday no matter what and they always sat in the 3rd pew from the front....and they always sat all the way to the right side of that pew! That is their spot! It is theirs........just a second......crying.............and crying soooooommmeeeee more..........so I decided this last Sunday was the day I NEEDED to go back to church!! I got there and could not even walk in the front door without first having to head to the bathroom to wipe tears......away...........it was the HARDEST thing....to do ALONE!! But the thing is I NEEDED to do it alone I think...so I went up to the front and sat where grandma and grandpa would always sit and wiped tears and wiped tears....and just when I thought I was done the pastor saw me and had to come over and give me a hug...I was trying to hold back tears and I found myself shaking my finger at him and saying I am not promising that I will not cry through this but I am here!! I know I NEED to be here....cry.......I am here!! As he says......I know it is going to be a hard one today but I am happy you are here!!!
Well just when I think I am going to make it......my grandma's neice sits by me....and I cried some more....well we both wiped some tears......then....some more....OMG....why was that so HARD for me!!! Why??? I should be at church but why is going into the building so HARD!!!????!!!
Darn it......cry some more why don't I............I know where they are and I know they are ok!! I am happy they are both together and not hurting and they are happy together!! I know all that......really I do!! That is not it I know it is not it......I just don't get why going to church is so hard for me........crappp............ok so not sure if it is just me but I feel like a blubbering............crying.............big baby about the whole idea of not being able to go to church!
I know the more I go the easier it will get....so I will be there next Sunday and the Sunday after and well you know how that all goes......
Crying here too....I have only been in church twice since Grandma passed. One was for Grandpas service less than a year later. The other was Christmas. As you know we both had a very difficult time at that time. We cried the entire Christmas service.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that St Johns is not just a church. But "their" church, "their home". They were such a big part of SJ. They had their pew. They were there every Sunday and even beat the Pastors there each Sunday. Until finally one Pastor asked if they'd give him a ride each Sunday, LOL.
They had seen numerous Pastors come and go to serve elsewhere. They stood by each and everyone of them. Even if they were a bit skidish in the begining of their services with SJ. They had the faith that God brought them to SJ for a purpose and they were willing to "wait and see" what that purpose was. Later they found theirselves loving the Pastors.
Pastor N..became known as another son they loved him so much. And now every time I see him I am overcome with emotions and immediately tear up. He was there for our them ANY time they needed something, he was there for US, He IS still here for US if we so chose to be strong enough..as is God! I know it's easy for me to write this...Keep the Faith Missy! Keep strong! Keep your heart open! Let the love flow! Even if it comes out in tears!!! Now, The hard part...is for me to DO the same!
Love and gazillions of hugs coming at YOU! Love R